I missed the seminar because of the snow, and now I don't understand about gilts and junk bonds. What am I going to do, Moneybox Man? And how will I get to next week's seminar? Miss Muddled, Middlesex
Don't worry, Miss Muddled Middlesex. You can come to the next seminar with Alastair, who has been given the use of a helicopter of the Queen's Flight as part of his price for supporting Gordon Brown. As for bonds and gilts as such like, you need to know only the following.

• A bond is simply lending £5,000 or whatever to somebody, and they promise to pay you the money back in a fixed time, say five years, together with a fixed rate in interest per year. To confuse people they call the dividend the "coupon"
• A bond is called a gilt when it's a loan to the government. In the old days these bonds had gilt edges. They can't physically put gilt edges on them now because Gordon Brown sold all our gold reserves at the lowest price that gold reached in the last decade.
• Junk bonds are loans to companies that are not perceived as being totally secure financially. Instead of having an AAA rating they might only have a BBB. These companies have to pay a higher rate of interest to get your money.
• Note that if the United Kingdom loses its AAA rating in the next few months, because the Bank of England is printing all that money, then gilts will have become junk bonds, and the world will have turned over and the stars will fall from the skies.

See you next week in the Bonnie Prince Charlie function room, Miss Muddled!